Breaking the silence

Podcast transcript

INTRO
Welcome to Docs in a Pod, presented by WellMed. Over the next half-hour, Docs in a Pod will educate you about the health and wellness of adults everywhere. Co-hosts Dr. Tamika Perry and award winning veteran broadcaster Ron Aaron will share information to improve your health and well-being. And now here are Ron Aaron and Dr. Tamika Perry.

RON AARON
We are so pleased you were with us today on the award winning Docs in a Pod. I'm Ron Aaron, and our podcast is available wherever you get your podcast. We're delighted to have with us today not only our co-host, Dr. Brooke Mobley, but she is also our guest today. Dr. Mobley is the medical director of post-acute care for Optum and WellMed in Florida. She earned her Doctor of Osteopathy degree from the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine. She holds a Master of Business Administration from Saint Joseph's Haub School of Business. She earned her internal medicine residency and nephrology fellowships at Christiana Care Health Services in Newark, Delaware. She's been with Legacy Dividend and Optum Florida since 2013. Dr. Mobley is also an author. Her book, I, Too, Cry Purple Tears, is something that I commend to each and every one of you who are listening to me today. She started the nonprofit Purple Tears. Through the organization, she strives to educate others about domestic violence and more. Dr. Mobley, it is great to have you on again.

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
I appreciate being here always.

RON AARON
You are the perfect example of how domestic violence is an equal opportunity crime. It is not something stereotyped to be, oh, you know, that poor woman is an educator, doesn't understand, doesn't have the wherewithal to care for herself. Here you are, highly educated, obviously very successful, and you end up in a violent relationship. How does that happen?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
So, the same way they say rape is not about sex. A lot of times domestic violence victims is not truly about being uneducated or helpless. A lot of times it has to do with insecurities within yourselves that are fed by manipulative people, abusive people who tend to come off very, very nice and accommodating at first. Then later you see the issues that they have with control, abuse and manipulation. I was a person who had insecurities about who I was in this world. I was an African American female physician.

RON AARON
And you still are.

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
I am. Who had not had children yet when a lot of my counterparts had been married and had children. I never wanted to be the stereotypical statistic of a single mom. I was in a relationship with someone, got pregnant, and refused to be a single mom. So, I stayed in a situation due to my own insecurities of not wanting to be a statistic or to be looked down upon because I was not a traditional household. I allowed this to let somebody in who knew how to manipulate me, who knew how to disempower me, who knew how to distance me from the people I was closest to, and who allowed me to be controlled.

RON AARON
Years ago, I was executive director of Jewish Family and Children's Service in San Antonio and had 11 therapists working with us, many providing help and counseling for those who were victims of domestic violence. Several would say to me, the challenge is helping people understand it's not their fault. Getting out is a real opportunity for them to restart their lives, but they're afraid, and they know that whoever that batterer is may come after them if they try to get out. It was the most challenging patients for many of our clients, our therapists, to be seeing. In your own case, you knew it wasn't right for you to be there, right?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
Absolutely. I knew it was not right. I even went to the extent of lying to my friends and family about what was going on because they knew it wasn't right and they suspected something was going on, and I would lie to cover it up, which you would think would have kept me in a situation that I could have been freed from had I been honest with those people closest to me. I joked with people all the time that my dad would have killed himself to ensure that I was safe if I had just said the word, but I never had the strength to say the word.

RON AARON
Now, was your partner both physically and emotionally manipulative in controlling?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
Oh, I'll be honest in that he was emotionally abusive, sexually abusive, physically abusive, verbally abusive, and financially abusive. I say that in he had access to my funds because I was the breadwinner, and I was the one making the money. But he had access to my funds and manipulated me in ways that put my funds and my financial security at risk. It took a debt of almost $90,000 for me to overcome once I left that situation.

RON AARON
Wow. Stay with me just a minute. For those of you who just joined us, you're listening to an incredible story. Dr. Brooke Mobley, our co-host and guest today on the award winning Docs in a Pod. I'm Ron Aaron. We're so glad you're with us. Our broadcast is available on podcast wherever you get your podcasts. We're also on the radio in a number of cities in Texas and Florida. Dr. Mobley is sharing a very personal story, which she does to help educate others. Her book, I, Too, Cry Purple Tears, available on Amazon, and her nonprofit, Purple Tears LLC, trying to raise education, knowledge and money to help victims of domestic violence. Brooke, what was the light that went on that got you out? What the therapist used to tell me at Jewish family and children's service, sometimes it would take six or seven attempts for the client to make that break from that batterer.

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
It was one incident that affected my child. That was all it took for me was the safety of my child. Like the majority of most abused victims, I had watched abuse. My mother had been abused by my biological father, and my sister had been abused by the father of her children. I had allowed myself to be abused by the father of my child. But that one incident that left my child in an unsafe place was enough for me to understand that in order to truly be a survivor of domestic violence, I had to break that generational curse. In order to break that generational curse, I needed for it to be something that my daughter never experienced. So, I left when she was about one years old, and it seems that she doesn't remember any of it. She doesn't remember what her father looks like. You have to tell her what her father's name is. A lot of the emotions people think come from a void of not having a father figure had been replaced by family members and friends who give her that strong male love that all children crave, but in the healthiest way possible.

RON AARON
Now, what experts who work in the field, like you will tell me, is the most dangerous time for that woman. And it's usually women, sometimes men, in a violent relationship. The most dangerous time is when they leave, women get killed and die because of loss of control. That batterer suddenly has no power over you when you leave.

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
Yes. Unfortunately, there are plenty of times where it ends in homicide suicide, where people feel like if I can't have you, nobody will, and they take the life of a spouse and take the life of themselves, and sometimes the lives of the children. But for me, I was very faithful in my spirituality, and I knew that death would have been soon had I stayed in that situation.

RON AARON
You would have died?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
I would have been killed. I could not leave the life of my child in the hands of somebody abusive and negligent as a parent. So, I was very calculated in how I left to try to prevent any opportunity to be found or to be prevented from leaving. I had planned it out days in advance and acted as normal as possible up until the day that I left to the point where I followed him to drop my daughter off at daycare, and as soon as he left, I pulled in and told the daycare my daughter will never be back here again, and that rightfully so they have no reason or legal way to tell him that she's not there anymore. He wasn't on any of the paperwork. He and I weren't married, and I had never consciously put him on as an emergency contact who would be able to pick her up or anything like that. So, I left and didn't know where I was going or what was going to happen. But if you read the book, you'll find out what happens. But just know that I survived, and my daughter is a nine going on ten-year-old competitive gymnast who is full of life and remains on honor roll even though she is practicing 11 hours a week of this competitive sport. She is happy. She travels. She is loved by people who choose her every day.

RON AARON
I want to find out in a moment what you learned about yourself, and the advice and counsel you would give to others who may be listening to us and may be in a similar situation, or may know someone who is. By the way, domestic violence is not a crime against young people. Adults, seniors and others are also victims, and that's one of the reasons we're talking about it today. Dr. Mobley's book I, Too, Cry Purple Tears. I'm Ron Aaron. You're listening to award winning Docs in a Pod.

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RON AARON
We are so pleased you're sticking with us right here on the award winning Docs in a Pod. I'm Ron Aaron, along with our very special guest and co-host today, Dr. Brooke Mobley. She's a Doctor of Osteopathy and medical director of post-acute care for Florida for Optum and WellMed. We are talking about her own experience as a victim of domestic violence, and how she survived and got out and put her life together. The important point here is that domestic violence, sadly, is an equal opportunity crime. So, tell us, what did you learn about yourself and what would you say to others?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
What I learned about myself before a lot of young women, if you are not secure and who you are, you should not enter any intimate relationship. You have to be secure in who you are, where you are in life. You have to be comfortable with what you look like despite what society thinks. And you have to have a village, whether it is your biological family or otherwise, that you truly trust to be honest with. This particular situation made me truly look internally to see what insecurities and childhood traumas I had had that made myself a victim. That made me a person who could be manipulated based on feeding my insecurities. Manipulators tend to be able to identify the people who are missing something in their life, and they attempt to fill that thing you're missing temporarily. They're never trying to fill it successfully. They want to fill it enough so that they gain your trust, and they gain your care and your love. It's based on those things they then develop the ability to control and manipulate and abuse you.

RON AARON
Looking back, what would you have done differently?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
I would have never entered that relationship. It's very hard for me to say that because my daughter has been the best blessing I've ever had in life. People ask all the time, would you do it differently? I would say, yes, I would leave him at conception. Once I realized that I was pregnant, I would leave. But the red flags had always been there. We met in a violent situation. I was enjoying myself watching football, and he was interested in me as numerous groups of people were interested in me and got into a fight with somebody over me, and I had just met him that night. Him and somebody else got into an argument as to whose attention I was going to get.

RON AARON
Wow. Seriously?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
Yeah. And it ended in an ambulance ride for him. I should have known then that this is probably not the person that you want to enter into a relationship with.

RON AARON
It was a big red flag.

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
It was a red flag, but I felt bad. I am a reformed people pleaser. Through therapy, I'm reformed. But at the core of me, I always felt bad for people, and I wanted to be able to help them, and I felt guilty if I was associated with anything that caused them harm. So, now I feel bad that you got bust your head with a bottle and you have to go with the ambulance to the hospital and get stitches over me. You like me so much that this occurred, so now I feel better. Now I want to check up on you. Now I want to see if you're okay. It was just that little bit of interest where he knew he had me on the hook, and I am convinced he knew that night he had me on the hook.

RON AARON
So, at conception, you would have said sayonara?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Unlike most victims of domestic violence, I was the breadwinner, I had the money, and I had the access. So, when I had decided to leave, it was a little easier for me than it was for other people. The car he was driving, I owned. The place he was lying in his head, I paid all of the bills. I was the only one coming in with the paycheck, so all I did was remove myself, which also removed those financial resources from him and the place he was staying, he got kicked out of. The utilities got turned off. He had nowhere to go but home to his family in another state. I was a rare case in that I had the financial and the familial structure to get help. My family knew what I was going through, but they also knew that they couldn't help me until I wanted help. But as soon as I wanted the help, they were there to protect me, to give any financial resources I needed, to help me find a place to stay, to help me move in, to stay with me, to protect me. A lot of people don't have that. That's the importance of Purple Tears, is I want to give victims who may not have had the same resources I have the opportunity to also leave, whether it is financial backing, whether it is resources to alternative living so that they can have a place to stay with their children after leaving an abusive situation. Getting legal aid to be able to get certain things in place like restraining orders or the ability to uproot someone, without identifying where they are and making sure that their phone number is not published publicly. Things of that nature. I want my nonprofit to be something that can help people, regardless of what their resources are deficient of, so that they can be successful in leaving.

RON AARON
Now, that's a national hotline number and a national text number. The national hotline number (800) 799-7233, or you can text if you are looking for help and you're a victim of domestic violence, text 88788 with just the one word to ÒBEGIN.Ó You explained to me off the air, Brooke, why texting is better than calling.

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
Texting sometimes can be a little more inconspicuous. When you call somebody, people hear your voice. Abusers are always listening to see what you're doing, who you're doing it with. That's a part of the control. When they sense that you are trying to get help or that you're trying to get out of the situation, that's when a lot of the control becomes stronger where they leave the house and take your car keys so that you can't leave or lock you in the house where you can't get out. So, being able to text a word not associated with violence or domestic violence at all is a bit of a safety net for people who can't get free enough or distant enough from their abuser to be able to talk freely. There are a lot of things people can do in doctor's offices, in grocery stores or other public settings that are not as apparent that they are looking for help when they are truly trying to escape or flee from abusive relationships.

RON AARON
Now you've gone public. Is he still alive and he's still a threat to you?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
I would say I don't know if he's still alive. As long as I am prayed up and I am doing the right thing by my Lord and Savior, he is not a threat to me. I fear no one but God, and that is where I am in my life. I am strong enough to be able to combat anything if it were to come my way. But most abusers are cowards, and once they realize that they have not won, they shy away. My phone number has not changed, it has been the same phone number I have had since the first cell phone I have ever received, and I haven't received not one phone call from him about his child. I went through the courts to get a passport. He did not show up for the court date. I am not hiding. I am not running. I am not fleeing. He is not interested in bothering me or my child. That's probably in the best interest of himself and for me and my child.

RON AARON
How much have you been able to tell your child?

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
At the age of nine, she can read. When I decided to write the book, I knew that she would be old enough soon to be able to read the book. So, I told her general things without detail. I told her that I was in a situation where I was being hurt and I was unsafe, and that she was unsafe, and that is the reason why I left. I told her some about his background because she asked, why would he do that? Why would he be this type of person? I educated her about mental health, and I educated her about people who have been abused tend to either become abusers or abusees. And that's why it was important that I got her out of that situation, because I didn't want her to be any one of those things. But he had been abused as a child, and I think that unfortunately predisposes anybody to being abusive or being abused by somebody later in life.

RON AARON
For those who may know someone who they think is a victim of domestic violence, what can they say and what should they say? Years ago, I had a woman working for me who came to work more often than not with black eyes. Her name was Nancy, and I would say, Nancy, what happened? And she would say, oh, I tripped and hit a doorknob, or I fell down the stairs. The same kind of excuses you probably used that you knew, and others knew were not true. But I didn't know what else to say.

DR. BROOKE MOBLEY
Asking someone what happened triggers them to have to come up with a lie. Putting someone in a situation where they have to lie already makes them uncomfortable and feel unsafe. Because unless we have some psychiatric disorder, lying does not come natural to normal people, nor does it feel good when you have to lie. So, if you are encountering somebody and you're suspicious about what is going on at home, things you should start off with is just showing them that you support them and care. Hey, I just want to make sure you're okay. I want you to know that you know I care about you, and if you need anything from me, I'm there for you. Your actions have to go along with your words. You have to build their trust. You have to allow them the space to want to volunteer information to you. When you ask too many of those interrogate of questions, it instantly causes for them to be defensive and to lie, and it takes away that safety feeling that any victim needs in order to leave, in order to feel comfortable to tell somebody what's going on, in order to be comfortable enough to be open to assistance when wanting to leave. So, building trust is first. Never being pushy with the information you may know and never going against the lies that they have. So, if she says, oh, I fell down the stairs and you're like, clearly, I know that's not from falling down the stairs, you can't possibly get a black eye like that from falling down the steps, what happened? That really makes someone defensive. You can respond with, well, I'm really sorry those steps hurt you like that. Oh, I really hope you're more careful on those steps. I would hate for anything else to happen to you on those steps. It, one, acknowledges that you kind of know what's going on and it gives them the opportunity to feel safe and not have to lie.

RON AARON
I've got to stop you right there. We are flat out of time. Thank you so much, Dr. Brooke Mobley, a powerful story, a powerful book. I, Too, Cry Purple Tears. Thanks for joining us today and the award winning Docs in a Pod.

OUTRO
Executive producer for Docs in a Pod is Dan Calderon. The producer is Cherese Pendleton. Thank you for listening to Docs in a Pod presented by WellMed. Be sure and listen next week to Docs in a Pod presented by WellMed.

DISCLAIMER
This transcript is generated using a podcast editing tool; there may be small differences between this transcript and the recorded audio content.

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